When I'm wallowing in my deepest funk, everything about my life looks and feels like Hell. Hardly anything can penetrate the despair that envelopes me. Let's face it, when autism sucks, it SUCKS. It can be ever present, ever incapacitating, ever stressful, ever sad. Of course, yes, there are interesting, fascinating, and even fun aspects of autism but not enough to compensate for the overwhelming impact it has on the entire family.
Now, when I refer to autism sucking I'm not saying that my children suck. I love, adore and live for my children. Even when I'm outwardly mad at them for acting autistic (as if they have a choice!), I know that it's not their fault. They didn't ask for the neuro-developmental slap in the face. They didn't ask to struggle every day with anxiety, frustration, and confusion. They had as much choice in being autistic as my husband and I had in having children born with autism.
When I'm having a dark day and I feel like I can barely keep going, I have to make a choice: do I resign myself to this feeling of despair and sadness, or do I get off my figurative butt and shake off the sense of powerlessness? I'm fortunate that I was born with a stubborn resolve to be happy. I cannot tolerate being sad so I do everything I can to make bad situations better. Like anyone, though, life slaps me around and I find myself cowering, afraid to respond to what she has given me. It is in those moments, that I find myself craving the sacred, the divine.
As I've mentioned before, I'm not Christian. I have had the fortune of being exposed to a variety of faiths and I find that all faiths are filled with divinity. I think for those of who feel the need for the sacred, we know where to find that sense in our self, that connection to the divine even if you don't believe in God per se. I find that when I'm at my lowest, I retreat within myself and search for that peace, that love and acceptance which restores me.
Of course, I'm not suggesting anything new by saying that it's good to relax and reflect when times are tough. The trick when raising children on the spectrum is finding a way to access that when melt downs are occurring, when the house may be filthy, when they are repeating themselves over and over, when you simply can't get away. I can't help but recall a funny quote I read on a coffee cup the other day which stated, "If by 'happy' you mean trapped with no means to escape. . . ? then yes, I'm happy." It's during those moments when you know what you need to feel better but you simply can't escape to do it that the need for a sacred space and sacred time is essential.
By a fluke, my little monkeys did me a favor when they misbehaved several weeks ago. My twins were having a blast in the bathtub downstairs. We were nearby and could hear their squeals of laughter so we weren't concerned about their safety or anything. Then we heard a loud bang. Nothing like those lovely moments of racing to find out what has happened now. Apparently, the boys thought throwing a cup full of water high up in the air was hilarious until it hit a light bulb above the sink and subsequently knocked out the power in the bathroom.
We debated about calling in an electrician. We ended up putting it off long enough that I had an idea. I would make this bathroom OUR (my husband and my) bathroom and we would only use candles in it or would just enjoy the sun streaming through the window. Over time, I've been slowly making this bathroom our own by placing candles and natural oils in it, by stocking it with lovely soaps that smell heavenly, and so forth. Every day, when I take a shower, I light all the candles and make time to find comfort in this short ritual. Even on days when I'm not really into it, I go through the motions of lighting the candles and, once finished, pausing to find my inner strength before blowing out each candle. It won't make the bad days go away. It may not even keep me from falling into states of sadness but the act of intentionally making time to nurture myself despite the stress is very restorative and often helps me to remember that I'm part of this whole equation, that there is more to me than being the parent of children, on and off the spectrum.
I'm working on finding other opportunities to find the sacred throughout my day. From listening to music that stirs my soul to reading quotes that make me feel strong, I'm making the conscious decision to make those moments occur because they are important, because I am important. I hope you may also find such rituals and moments to nurture yourself.
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