With my heart beating and all my senses alert, I continued down the rocky trail. I was hiking alone in the Wasatch Mountains on a trail that I didn't know. A part of me worried if this was pure foolishness. Was I putting myself in danger by walking out here by myself? I wasn't that concerned about wild animals although they do live in the mountains but I hoped that they (the big ones) would be farther out and not near this relatively popular trail. I was more concerned encountering a human with bad intentions. Just in case, I made myself hyper aware of my surroundings while occasionally patting the knife in my pocket.
Sweating and with muscles burning from hiking, I'd occasionally find a shady spot near a rushing mountain stream to rest and to reflect. Feeling the coolness of the mountain breezes, I'd close my eyes and pray for strength, clarity, compassion, endurance and so on. I felt a calmness in me that I hadn't experienced in quite some time.
Since my first solo hike, I have gone several more times. Each time, I worry about my safety but I feel that my sanity is the most at risk some days. Quite frankly, being in our house can be maddening. It is hard to raise a child who has extremely loud fits of anxiety over things which are simply mind boggling. Some of my most difficult moments these days have been with my son who has not yet been evaluated. His need for precision and for things to be just so is incredibly frustrating. Just today, he flipped out because his measuring tape (I bought him a small, real one so he could measure things) was broken. It wasn't actually broken I discovered but he considered broken because the metal tab from which you pull the tape out of the body of the tape measure was not centered at the opening but was slightly off to the side. Of course, it wasn't just "broken", it was BROKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is difficult to calm a child about a concern which seems absolutely nuts to me. Despite the difficulty, I do try to swallow my perplexity and frustration and to respond compassionately to his anxiety but I admit I'm not always that good at doing that.
This weekend I have found myself dumbfounded by some of my son's behaviors. I'll admit to everyone that I do not know whether he has autism. I do know that he is showing signs of OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) which can be a part of an autistic diagnosis or he could simply just have OCD. I know that it will take the evaluation of a skilled psychologist to make the determination but, regardless, I know that something is not quite right. Not only do I owe it to him to find out what may be going on, I owe it to our family because some of his behaviors create very stressful situations that no one in our family is immune from.
Despite my good intentions and despite the very real impact some of his behaviors are having on all of us, I find myself defending my concerns with other family members who are not around him as often as we are. For some, the process of being diagnosed is a very rigid, precise process. I agree it needs to be. I also believe that a mother's instinct can be very powerful and that it needs to be (and is) a part of that diagnostic process. It's hard not to feel angry when all the tears, the concern, the stress that we continue to experience is somehow considered somewhat invalid until a professional decides to agree with us.
I will state emphatically that I do not want anything to be wrong with my child. Why would I want that? What kind of mom seeks an unfortunate diagnosis? What I am seeking are answers - why does he repeat the same phrases frequently? Why must he have a train with all its pieces, the cargo, the person and the remote before he can go to sleep? Why is a slightly wrinkled piece of paper broken? Why do any of these things cause him so much distress? Why aren't our assurances as parents enough to counter his very precise needs?
Answers. We are seeking answers. We are seeking support.
Alone on the trail, I found support within my own heart and in the vibration of life surrounding me. In the arms of nature, I bathed in its beauty and felt peace. Humbled by my small part in this world and awed by the mountains grandeur, I surrendered my worries to the world around me and found the strength I needed to return home and to care for my darling children who need me.
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