Monday, February 21, 2011

Lost Control. Found Acceptance.

Sooner or later, each of us has to learn the lesson that we are not in control of every facet of our life.  No matter how much we believe something to be true or how much we want something to happen, it, whatever it may be, may not be true or may not ever happen.  Sometimes we know this intellectually and may even be able to refer to events which didn't go the way we had hoped, but the lesson isn't truly learned until something you take for granted, something which is seemingly indisputable, real, definite becomes something entirely different.

I intended to get married.  I intended to have children.  There were times when I wasn't sure if I'd ever find the right man for me but, once I found him, the next step was a child.  I recall my soon-to-be husband and I walking through a crowded city fair when he pointed to a small child and said, "I want one of those."  Definitive, indisputable.

As it turned out, we spent years trying to have children and only succeeded after several rounds of in vitro.  There were times we weren't sure if we'd ever have children. 

We then had our first born son.  My vision of raising our child involved fantasies of staying at home raising him, sharing the world with our child.  Together as a happily married couple who had overcome infertility, we were going to raise our son as we had been raised.  From the beginning, though, things were different.  He cried when gifts were opened - the sound seemed to bother him.  He cried for hours and seemed inconsolable.  He resisted being held closely in order to breast feed.  My maternal feelings were rebuffed and I found myself repeatedly failing and often confused.  Indefinite, disputable.

Since we were growing older and because we already had had difficulty getting pregnant the first time, we opted to try again.  Although we still found ourselves confused about our son's behavior, we felt more confident that we could have another child.  Another child.  We became pregnant with twins.

At this point, we became overwhelmed by our life.  We had chosen a path thinking we knew where it led only to find we were mistaken and we were frightened.  How were we going to manage? 

Obviously, we immediately felt love for the twins who made themselves at home in my quickly growing belly.  We eventually got over the initial panic and began to believe we were taking control over the situation.  New house, new car, new job.  More cribs, better stroller, books on twins.

Preterm labor.  Bed rest for 6 weeks - 4 of which were spent in the hospital.  The more we tried to control the situation, the more it was out of our control.  Each time we found ourselves in an unexpected situation, we began to adjust to the change in plan quicker, we began to accept things as they were more readily.  By accepting the situation and moving forward, we regained yet again a sense of control.  Definitive, indisputable.

Then our first born was diagnosed with a form of autism.  It explained a lot but this was not supposed to happen.  His behavior was not supposed to happen.  The stress in our home was not supposed to be there.  Answers needed to be made available and they continued to elude us.  Autism is anything but clear cut and concrete; however, a year after his diagnosis we began to feel a little more confident.  We had found resources that were helping us define and understand his behavior.

Then one of our twins was diagnosed with autism and we found ourselves yet again surprised.  We had been doing everything in our power to make our life better and new challenges kept presenting themselves.  Just when we thought we were doing ok, we were side swiped again.  No longer truly surprised by life changing, we then became angry because this simply was not fair.  Why us?  Why our beautiful children?


It has been a few months since our youngest was diagnosed with high functioning autism.  It has been over a year since our first son was diagnosed.  We have learned a lot during this time.  We speak the language that parents of children on the spectrum speak:  "Stimming,"  "sensory processing," "melatonin, Resperidone, Zoloft" and so forth.  We continue to navigate this world but we have a new found respect for life's ability to change without notice, plan or schedule.  We no longer think in terms of definites but merely in possibilities and maybes.  We know our own strengths and weaknesses more than we'd ever expected and we are learning to accept what is simply for what is.  Although this may seem to be resignation, acceptance of what is regardless of whether it was in our plans is a power far stronger than having the naive (although understandable) sense of control over one's future. 

As much as I'd like to believe that we will find more answers and that if we simply keep working hard things will turn out in a way we hope, I also have to accept where we are right now for right now is the only thing which is definite and indisputable.  It is my job to make the best of it for me, my husband and our children each moment at a time.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you are doing well. I can't come to Bouncin' anymore 'cause I gotta key at nights for the post office. Bummer. I really want to get together for a margarita some day.

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