In the shade

I have often found writing a soothing activity that allows me a chance to still my mind and focus.  There are times, though, like recently when my mind is stirred to a point that I am unable to see the same thought long enough to see it clearly.  Although I'm better tonight than I have been, I have what I call an emotional hangover.

One of the underlying causes for this emotional whirlwind is our concern that one of our other children may be showing some signs of Asperger's Syndrome, albeit much less severe but troubling none the less.  There have been times when I would vehemently deny that he or his twin show any symptoms of an autistic spectrum disorder (ASD) but now I'm not so sure.  With my son who has been diagnosed, we now see it more clearly and have been better able to distinguish which behaviors can be linked with a neurological condition and which are simply normal kid stuff.  With my son who I now am worried about, I'm wondering if the behaviors that bother us are a result of his age (he's 3) or if they're symptoms of ASD.  I'm also wondering if we just have Asperger's glasses on and are seeing it everywhere. 

Of course, it's not too surprising that any of our sons would show some signs of it since it's in their genes but I simply don't want to go there in my mind, to think that another of my precious children could have this challenge ahead of them.  Although I know that I'd ultimately find the strength to go on, right now I just crumble inside when I think of the possibility.

I so want to be wrong.  I want to be an overly worried parent.  I want to be a naive, anxious mother. 

We won't know for a good while as we're waiting to have my son evaluated.  In the meantime, just the thought of the possibility that he could have it, even in a milder form, makes me sad, concerned and troubled.  I know I need to focus on the fact that we simply don't know but it's difficult to do that when he exhibits behaviors that are shades of what we've seen before. 

As I have struggled with these emotions and have talked endlessly with my husband about it, I am taking special time with my son, giving hugs that last a little longer, and telling him I love him a little more often.  Regardless of whether he has some ASD traits or has ASD itself, he will always be my precious little one.  He will still be who he is whether his behavior's meet certain criteria or not.