Too much?

Having a child with special needs really forces you to confront your weaknesses and to grasp for your strengths.  I have found myself looking honestly at my own behavior, my idiosyncrasies, my habits.  Some are benign and don't impact anyone adversely.  Others are helpful and may actually help everyone in our family.  Then there are those that simply suck, those which don't help my son or anyone else for that matter.  I hate those.

One seemingly benign trait of mine is that I'm a communicator.  I like to make myself and my actions clear.  The problem is that I also tend to be an over-communicator.  Too much information.  TMI.  That's me.  You don't want to hear it, well, I'm telling you anyway.

I don't know why I'm like that.  Ultimately, I believe that relationships do best when communication channels are open.  My problem is that I communicate with too many people, not just those with whom I am close.  I think some if my need to gab may stem from my inherent enjoyment of people, the feeling of being one among many.  As my Mom reminds me from time to time, I told her as a young girl that, "I LOVE people." 

I find myself frustrated when I don't know how to balance sharing information with protecting privacy.  I'm not very concerned about protecting my own privacy mainly because I am who I am.  Nothing will change that.  What bothers me is when I feel that I'm not protecting my son's privacy enough in relation to his autism.  Being an over-communicator, unfortunately or fortunately depending on your view, is a part of who I am.  Having a mother who is an over-communicator may not, however, help my son.  Almost everyday, I make a point to say as little as is necessary but, like an alcoholic, sometimes after that first drink, I find myself saying more and more as the conversation progresses.

Today, my son was having an argument with another child in my presence.  My son was the first one to get to school.  He likes to be the first one in line or the "line leader."  Another child wanted to be the line leader for a change and the argument began.  As is typical of autistic kids, he is rigid when it comes to change.  He felt he must be the line leader period.  The other child's mother and I intervened.  Thankfully, the other mother was very helpful and we managed to defuse the situation.  Instead of playing it off, though, like my son was just being a pill, I explained the situation to her (i.e, my son is autistic and his behavior was a result of that).  From there, we briefly discussed autism and my son.

Some would say that my disclosing his autism was justified and, in some ways, I'd agree.  I don't want my son to be perceived as a jerk when his behavior is not his fault.  On the other hand, was my disclosing his autism more for him or for me or a combination of the two?  Did I feel I needed to explain his behavior so she wouldn't think I was a poor parent?  Yes, somewhat.  I struggle with finding the balance between when to disclose and when not, how much or how little to disclose and which situations deserve explanation.  If I were a more secretive person, I probably wouldn't struggle with this since I would simply operate on a need to know basis.  Although I know I simply could never be tight lipped about his autism due to my inherent nature, I need to become more discreet in situations where disclosure is simply not necessary or helpful.

My tendency to over-communicate is just one example of a trait of mine which has the potential to impact my son.  Although I'm proud of those traits which help him, I can't help but agonize over those which may not.  I  know I can't be perfect but I also can't help but try to be.