Little did I know that when I first started this blog that one of my twin boys would later be diagnosed with autism. Ten months after my firstborn child's diagnosis, we find ourselves again trying to process the wide range of emotions that such a diagnosis brings about. From denial and skepticism to relief and mourning, my husband and I each are experiencing emotions and not necessarily the same ones at the same time. Unlike when our first son was diagnosed, though, we feel a little more equipped to handle it and have a better idea what we're facing.
As I have stated in previous posts, we have had our concerns. As more proof to the concept that "if you know one child with autism, you know one child with autism," our sons have different presentations of the same condition. I am truly better able to appreciate that autism is just a part of who my children are and not their entirety and that their form of autism is just as unique as they are as individuals. Despite their differences, though, my boys' distress and frustrations and our struggle as parents to help them is the same. When we found ourselves grappling at trying to understand our third son, we began to recognize the same emotions, concerns and frustrations we had had with our firstborn child prior to his diagnosis. Our instincts told us that there was something similar going on with our third child and that we owed it to him and to our family to see if there was any merit to our feelings.
Heading into the evaluation, I found myself preparing for it by writing up a document of all of our concerns. I also made sure to clearly spell out all his behaviors which were contradictory to an autism diagnosis. Perhaps I was secretly hoping that the fact, for instance, that my son makes good eye contact would rule out autism. I'll admit that I was hoping they'd say he just had OCD or an anxiety disorder. Of course, even though the diagnosis is helpful (so that we may be able to help him better), my son is who he is regardless of his neurology. He is still my little, darling boy who delights me with his funny, energetic and mischievous, little self.
As a family, we are now shifting from the idea of having one child with autism and two neurotypical (NT) children to 2 children with autism and one NT child. Of course, now that our third has been diagnosed, I can't help but wonder if we should have our 2nd son evaluated but I seriously can't go there right now in my mind because that is just too much for me to handle. Additionally, at this stage, we have not had the same concerns with our 2nd son that we have had with our other boys. I can't help but worry about our NT son and how having two brothers on the spectrum will affect him. Thankfully, the boys all love each other despite their frequent battles and, despite the difficulties, his brothers are hysterical and will enrich his life as much or more than they will challenge him. Certainly, we have to make sure all of our boys know that they are each special and valued and that, autism or not, our boys have an equal place in our hearts.
Tonight, I sang my third son to sleep because he needed me to "teach him how to close his eyes" and to "make sure the tears don't get on his face". One of many requests that he feels that only I, his mother, can fulfill. Sitting near his bed, I kept my eyes open so his could close and I sang to my sweet, little boy as he slowly fell asleep. Helping a scared child to go to sleep is certainly not unique to any parent and I'm reassured that I can do such things for him and to help him feel safe, loved and at peace with the world.
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