Saturday, August 21, 2010

To all the friends I called before

We had friends.  We had quite a few friends actually.  It wasn't uncommon for us to have parties at our house.  We'd often spend a ridiculous amount of money on food and beer just to enjoy our friends in our home, together.  My husband and I met through friends and our friends were an integral part of our early days as a couple and, later, as a married couple.

Then life happened.  First, it was infertility which turned us inward.  Then it was our first child, a move to the suburbs, and followed by twins.  Our world of seemingly carefree, fun times was over and we struggled to get through each day and to make it until the next pay day.  We couldn't afford to have parties or babysitters.  The stress of raising an undiagnosed child with autism while caring for newborn twins made us turn even more inward.  To get out with the kids opened us up to stress (since we were incapacitated by our oldest son's unusual responses to the world) and  for us to take turns going out alone only put more stress on the one who stayed home with the kids.  There was no way to balance our role as parents and our desire to enjoy our friends. 

Then we moved out of state from Texas to Utah.  Since, by the time we moved, we rarely saw our friends while in Texas, the move to Utah only created a physical distance from our friends.  Thanks to social networking sites, we can keep a tab on many of our friends and have been fortunate to maintain our connection but the days of chilling together while drinking good beer, talking/debating about music and idle chit chat are over. 

I miss those days.  I miss my friends.  I feel I owe them an explanation for our distance but I'm not sure where I would begin.  I guess I would want them to all know that we do love them and we cherish our time together.  We will continue to try to keep up with their lives via Facebook and other means but we will likely continue to suck at emailing, calling or anything more personal than saying we "Like" their status or, occasionally, writing a brief comment on their status.  I wish we could do more.

Another sort of distance that has been inevitable although less apparent is that of how our world's are so different.  I'm sure for many of my friends I appear obsessed with autism.  Facebook status after another regularly include the "a" word.  I agree that I am obsessed.  It is such a huge part of my life these days that I feel I'm often swimming in it.  With two children on the spectrum, we are affected by autism the moment we wake up until our last child falls asleep (and then that's when I do research that I couldn't do on autism while they were awake!)  Although I try not to make all my FB statuses about autism, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it is what is on my mind. 

For those not living with autism, my statuses must seem dreary, redundant and even boring.  I understand.  Prior to having autistic children, autism was a mild curiosity to me.  Now that my children are affected (positively and negatively) by it, my heart and soul can't help but jump in and attempt to understand it for each child's sake and for our family as a whole.  This is my life's calling.  My darling babies who call me "Mommy" and rely on me to make their world a safe, accepting and loving place need me to focus on autism - not just  because of its challenges but because I want to help their beautiful souls to thrive and to share their uniqueness with the world. 

There may be a time when I can chill out, when I can shift my focus to other things.  For now, though, less than a year after my oldest's diagnosis and only a week since our youngest's, it's my duty.to persevere.  For all my dear friends who may ponder how much I have changed, one thing I would want them to know is that my love for them hasn't faltered.  I just have a job to do which requires every ounce of my energy and, unfortunately, I am incapable of being the kind of friend I would want to be.  Hopefully, one day, our friendships will get re-energized and renewed.  Until then, though, I wish only the best for all my compadres, and I want them to know that I think of them all often.

1 comment:

  1. "For those not living with autism, my statuses must seem dreary, redundant and even boring" Uh... one might even say they are echolalic. LOL. Little autism joke there.
    About a year ago, I had a well meaning facebook friend advise me: "Don't focus so much on the autism. It doesn't have be be everything" or something like that.
    I know that to a lot of people, my son looks just fine. That's the thing about having an aspie or kid with high functioning autism. High functioning is a relative term.
    I get it. And I have only one kid with autism. I think you have every right to go a little batshit crazy right now.
    I have a bottle of margarita mix and some tequila that's been sitting around the house for a few weeks with your name on it, Heather. I even got salt. Not like I'm trying to bribe you into scheduling a playdate or anything... Just puttin' it out there.
    We can meet at my house or yours.

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