Clarity

Here is where I am.  Here is where my life has led.  There have been many times in the last few years when I wasn't happy with how my life had turned out.  I was confused, frustrated, angry, hopeless and depressed.  There were occasions when these dark periods would last for days and weeks which would be followed by a more peaceful and positive outlook.  Struggling with where our life had led us and our children, I was mired in grief that was disguised with emotions which I could process more easily.  As the dust is settling and our understanding of autism has ripened, I'm finding that the dark days are more manageable, predictable, and less frequent.  When clouds of uncertainty, fear, anger, exhaustion cast their shadows on my mind, I at least recognize it as temporary and deal with it as best as I can.

There will always be dark days.  There will always be times when I will be crushed with emotion.  The difference is I accept that and I won't let it stop me.

Although autism is incredibly challenging in its various manifestations, it is incredibly beautiful as well.  My children, autistic or neurotypical (NT), are all precious to me.  I am fortunate that my children are capable of affection and of speaking and I try to soak that up.  My heart is filled with love when I think of kissing each of my babies, of holding them, looking at their little hands and feet, seeing their eyes light up with delight.  I am rich.

Recently, fate has offered me clear directions as to which way my life should go.  My gut has guided me and I have listened.  I have recently begun homeschooling my oldest child and, as much as I never thought I'd homeschool my children, I'm pleased about how right this feels.  I feel that my life may have led me to this moment and it gives me peace.

I was raised in a home where the love of learning was ever present.  Even as a fickle, young girl whose attention was often elsewhere (on boys), I was influenced by my parents' constant encouragement to seek more knowledge about any of our interests.  A frequent joke in my family was, "we have a book on that."  Our family library was relatively small but seemed to contain an almost magical amount of information.  Although I wasn't always interested in committing my attention to all the information available to me, I was strongly influenced by my parents to be curious and to seek answers to questions I had.  As a result, I have always loved to teach because it's such a fun experience to share knowledge about our fascinating world.

Now, I have children who love to learn in ways that I never did as a child and, frankly, I'm addicted with teaching them.  After events made it very clear to me that my oldest is not ready for "school", I have reanalyzed what teaching and learning is all about and what going to a school really is for any child.  Although I'm a big believer in a school setting for most children (my other children are in public school now), I'm also a big believer in not trying to force a child into something that clearly does not fit.  Until I find a school which can address his autism and his giftedness, I will direct his education from home in a manner which doesn't teach him that there is something wrong with him and will instead allow him to blossom.

As I ponder my journey over the last year as well as where my entire life has led me thus far, I'm energized and determined.  Things may be rough at times but my path is clear to me and I look forward to giving all my children an exciting and enticing learning environment similar to the one in which I was raised.