Trust

I have struggled with insecurity as long as I can remember. I'm not sure why I'm insecure but I think it's partially due to my tendency to take others' opinions into account but, instead of maintaining my own position, I often find myself allowing their opinion to eclipse my own. Oftentimes, I passively accept their ideas while my gut screams out that "this" isn't right, whatever this is.

I can't afford to be insecure anymore. My son needs me to listen to my instincts. He needs me to listen to others but to hold firm to what I know is true. I'm not sure how I will do this but I know it must be done.

My son was evaluated by our school district this week. In a matter of hours, supposed experts have run tests on him and are beginning to form opinions as to what he needs in an educational environment. My sweet, darling boy sat quite compliantly (much to my relief) answering question after question after question. I was so proud as he showed off his stuff. The psychologist repeatedly noted how she had never gotten so far in an IQ test with a preschooler because she couldn't trick him. She kept trying and trying. She also had never had to hide the answers from a preschooler either because she figured out that he could read quite well.

I smiled and sat quietly watching this expert observe what I already knew about my child. He's brilliant. He's funny. He has a sweet, tender heart.

As the testing continued for hours, he started to become challenged, not by the questions they were asking but by the length of the examination. It's a lot to ask a neurotypical 5 year old to sit still for 3 hours but it's even more to ask of a child with autism to do that. I was so proud of him for doing it as long as he had.

Just as the experts were explaining the results of their evaluation to me, my son had had too much and he began to show his Asperger's. Like the flip of a switch, my son switched from being sweet and compliant to screaming at the top of his lungs that he wanted to go. Bam. We'd reached "that" point that we parents of autistic children all know.

The psychologist explained to me that she was ignoring his bad behavior. He got louder. Pretending to maintain our conversation, she continued to ignore him (and I him to see where this led). He got louder. Finally, I'd had enough and I decided this expert's ideas weren't going to work for me. I worked with him using my methods: I offered a "carrot" as I call them by telling him that he had already earned one scoop of ice cream (I had already told him we'd go to an ice cream parlor after this appointment) but he could earn another if he could be quiet a few more minutes. He tried but he was maxed out.

As he again began to scream and the expert continued to ignore him, we pretended to have a conversation. Again, I decided that this was getting ridiculous so I tried another method. I got a notebook out and told him to tell me calmly what it was that he wanted me to know. I wrote down his feelings about wanting to leave and I wrote down my response. This calmed him down for a few more minutes.

At one point, the psychologist suggested that my giving him attention was escalating his reactions. My gut told me that, no, my son would have escalated a lot more and sooner if we had ignored him. His little system had maxed out and he needed to leave pure and simple. We were pushing him beyond his limits, and we shouldn't expect ideal behavior from a child with a neurological disability under such circumstances.

Despite my knowing this and despite my acting on my gut feelings, her comments dug into me and put seeds of doubt in my mind yet again. Was I doing the wrong thing? Does this psychologist who has spent a few hours with my child understand him better than I do? Does her education trump my experiences with my son? Alternately, am I blinded by my instinct to protect my child, to shield him from the outside world that doesn't seem to understand him? I'm not sure.

What I do know is this: I can't risk being too proud to accept good advice from knowledgeable folk yet I have to listen to my heart and what I know about my son because I know him better than anyone else on this planet. I have known him since he once squirmed in my belly. I know him now as the young boy he has become. I must learn to swallow my pride when I'm wrong and listen to my heart when I'm right even if so-called experts disagree with me. May I be blessed with such wisdom to know when to listen to others or when to trust myself.