I wish I could comfort him but I don't have much left to give. For once, I'm not talking about any of my children but am referring to my husband. I see the strain this weekend has had on him. I recognize it as similar to my own and it pains me to see him feeling so annoyed, frustrated, exhausted, and miserable. He walks with the heaviness of someone who is angry about his life, feeling as if autism has shat on our world.
It's important for me to say here that I'm not implying our children have ruined our lives. Autism is just a part of our children (whether in its full form or in shadows). We love each and every one of them. Where we find difficulty is in dealing day to day with the challenges autism puts before us - the behaviors that belie explanation, those which exhaust all our faculties (mental, sensory, and so forth). There are times when we simply don't get a mental break, where we feel sucked into this vacuum of stimming children, screaming arguments, the constant echo of phrases. It can simply be maddening and there are times when there feels like there will never be a break.
Thankfully, I'm in a better place right now than my husband but it won't be long (probably tomorrow) when I'll find that same despair come bubbling up. For tonight, though, I can help balance us out as parents as he does for me when I reach that same unfortunate place. I wish I could find a magic spell which would lift this heaviness, anguish and frustration but the only thing which really seems to help is getting that precious and rare break. If only I could build up my strength enough to give my husband a good, long break where he could reconnect with himself. I'm hoping that as the boys get older this will become more of an option. For now, though, I can only give him the space he needs to feel what he's feeling without annoyingly trying to make him feel better because, in truth, I can't sugar coat our life. It's rough and sometimes it is pure hell. Perhaps for Father's Day I will be able to give him what he needs - a break away from his family so that he can return to his flawed yet beautiful family who loves him for the wonderful father he is.
Heather, I am terrible at keeping up with FB. When I read anything from you, you wouldn't believe how much I appreciate it. Your understanding & way with words hit the nail on the head for me. I wish for my husband that he could find some happiness also. He feels like this should be his golden years, but it is not. I know our "head-of-the-households" feel helpless and would love to fix things. All we can do is love them and give them permission to have some space.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous, I wish I knew who you were, although I have my guesses. :-) I can't tell you how good it makes me feel that what I write resonates with you. To connect with you via my deepest feelings is very rewarding to me.
ReplyDeleteYour husband and mine are feeling the same way, I believe. I think our husbands have good wives, what do you think? :-) Thanks for your comment.