Smack

There is a reason why there are t-shirts which say something along the lines of "Autism:  Expect the Unexpected."  As much as I know this to be true, I still find myself stunned by my son's behavior even though I can usually explain it later using my "Aspie-glasses."  Of course, to pretend that autism is the only facet of life which can make life unpredictable is inaccurate since life can smack you upside your head at any given moment.  Perhaps, as is so often the case with autism, it's the degree of unpredictability, or maybe it's that the behavior exhibited by persons with autism can be so outside the norm that it is often shocking even if it is explainable later in terms of the condition itself. 

To be fair, life is unpredictable.  Things happen for better or for worse no matter who you are.  With autism, what is often a given for many people (certain established, acceptable behaviors) is not at all the norm for those with autism.  As NT parents of children with autism, we're often slapped into the awareness that our children simply do not do what the average child would.  It's that discrepancy (what we expect of a child of the same age as our child and what we actually get - usually quite outside the norm) which is truly shocking, disheartening and stressful.  To further confuse us, this same child will simultaneously do many of those things children of his/her age would do or, in the case of my son, appear older than his years. 

This past weekend we took the children camping up in northern Utah in the Uinta mountains.  Forested mountains with ice cold, mountain streams provided a perfect setting for a bonding, family camping trip.  With any trip, there is always the good and the less than good parts of a trip.  It is rare that a vacation is completely void of unpleasantness at some point, and a good trip is simply one where fewer bad things happen than good.  From that perspective, our trip was like any other.  Unfortunately, the parts that were bad on this trip would have been far worse emotionally for me if I weren't already somewhat of a veteran parent of an autistic child (and another child whose behaviors are becoming increasingly more suspicious). 

If a parent of an NT child had swapped with us for the weekend (without knowing our son was autistic), I am curious how they would characterize this trip.  How would they have reacted to being punched in the face so hard their glasses flew across the room after accidentally poking him while helping him get dressed?  Would they have been more shocked than me?  Probably, although I was quite stunned actually.  How would they have reacted to his ABSOLUTE and TOTAL insistence that he wanted to stay in "Coffee Car" (his name for a car, except it's pronounced cafe') because he was ready to go even though we had 3 hours before we were leaving?  Would they have been shocked when he screamed at the top of his lungs, cursing madly when he couldn't get everyone's attention (even though he had been monopolizing it for a good while already)?  I wasn't that shocked but he chose some particularly bad words which horrified his dear grandmother.

Of course, how would they have felt listening to him talk sweetly to his recently caught butterfly?  Would they have seen the beautiful sparkle in his eyes as he absorbed the beauty of the mountain stream?  Would his ferocious hugs and enthusiastic, heart felt "I love yous" have warmed them to his sweet, darling soul?  I'm not sure about how another would react but I am not unfamiliar with his amazingly sweet and beautiful side and his reactive, out of control side.  I know his true nature is good and loving and that his bad behavior is a result of his neurological condition.  Despite that, though, after particularly bad behavior (such as being hit by him), I found myself stunned.  When in that state of shock, I often grieve for myself, my family and my son.  I turn inward and try to heal the hurt while also trying to calm the natural, yet unproductive, reaction to lash back out at him.

Of course, his disability does not entitle him to abuse me or others.  It may explain it but does not excuse it.  After dusting myself off, mentally and physically, I then have to focus on helping him avoid such negative behaviors even if there may not be a chance for success.  I can't give up on him because, just as the imaginary NT parent I mentioned before, those who do not know and love will do just that. 

Although I had packed meticulously for this trip, I knew that autism would likely rear it's ugly head (while also showing its beautiful side as well) at some point during the camp out.  The unexpected was actually expected, but one can never fully prepare for the unknown.  In this case, it literally knocked me upside the head but, as always, I have to move on and prepare for tomorrow.