By your side

When I sit down to write a post, it helps for me to have a focus, something specific to write about but lately I have been unable to do that.  My best excuse is that too much as been going on - both good and bad.  I have felt a bit scattered and pulled in many different directions.  From the end of school (one predictably and one unexpectedly), some major success in potty training, to concerns about one of my other sons and concerns about how hormones aren't helping one bit when things are tough.  It's been the cliche roller coaster ride as is typical of our life but, lately, I have been less grounded and able to maintain my own perspective and balance. 

Meanwhile, I have been reading a variety of books and articles, pondering over "grief bursts", agonizing over well-portrayed Asperger's in books such as Jodi Picoult's House Rules, and feeling defensive about my concerns regarding one of our sons who we thought was totally neurotypical.  Meanwhile, life has been going on.  Summer has arrived.  My daily phone calls with my family keep me updated on my aging family back in Texas.  I often find myself missing my many friends around the globe.  I am fortunate to have connected with a great group of gals called the Big MAKS (mothers of autistic kids) who rock and without whom I would feel significantly more isolated.  Despite the good and partly due to the bad, I have found myself in a quandary as I search for strength when I sometimes feel I have none.  I search for the meaning of this crazy life I live without the benefit of a faith to ground me.  I have turned inward as I strive to find that balance I need, the perspective I need to keep going even when the truth of my son's disorder is shoved in my face. 

There are times I simply don't know how to keep going but I do.  I have learned to wait it out until I have a chance to get away.  I wait for a healthy perspective to overpower the negative one.  If only it could happen quicker sometimes.

Tonight, after I returned from working out at the gym (my therapy!), I was greeted by my son.  As I struggled to unload my bag while he approached me eagerly, he grabbed my hand and said, "I'll always be by your side."  Being the true, darling, little Aspie that he is, he really meant that and we struggled to get down the stairs with him next to me as he held my hand.  I finally had to tell him that he could always be by my side without actually holding my hand or walking next to me.  I couldn't help but be amused and warmed by his literalness and his sweetness.  The truth is, he will always be at my side in one way or another and, even when things are difficult, I know that I have been blessed.