Thursday, March 4, 2010

One step forward, two stumbles back

I wouldn't be doing autism justice if the post following one like My Quiet Cheer were a continuation of that sentiment.  While I was writing the previous post, my superstitious self kept insisting that I should knock on wood in order to not jinx myself.  Although nothing has changed since yesterday and the progress I was alluding to is still real, as is so painfully typical, there are so many set backs that can occur and they often seem to occur soon after feeling likes things are going well.  Sometimes the setbacks are only perceived that way and are not true setbacks but maybe just a small hiccup in progress.  Other times, though, the events really are setbacks that need to be dealt with.  At the time the discouraging events occur, it is sometimes difficult to discern whether the behavior is truly a setback or not. 

When I started this blog, I promised myself that I wouldn't discuss anything which might embarrass my son when he got older.  Although I find it hard to believe my son would be embarrassed by anything (since this would require his caring what others think of him), I have to assume that he may eventually be more self-conscious in the event that that happens.  Today, the events that have inspired my less positive mood are related to potty training issues.  Since potty training issue have the potential of embarrassing my son, I won't detail the problems we had today except to say that there is a reason why experts feel that autistic children are some of the most difficult children to train. 

Part of the struggle as a parent of a child with autism is the frequent feelings of disappointment, hopelessness, and confusion.  In order to survive, and for your child to thrive, you have to learn to accept these moments and to face them head on; otherwise, it will eat you up from the inside out.  Also, it is essential to prepare for these days by having a planned way to survive them.  As I sensed my mood deteriorating and my feeling of despair creeping in on me, I called my husband and asked if he could possibly come home earlier (which he did - he rocks).  Writing this blog helps because I shift from living this world to describing it which helps me to be more objective about a very emotional situation.  Next, I will go to the gym and take all my sadness, anger, and frustration out on the machines.  Finally, at the end of the day, I have to forgive him for what he can't control and forgive myself for wanting him to be different.

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