I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to show how ugly it can get, how gut wrenching it can be to raise a child with autism. I'm not sure if I'm willing to be that honest. I'm not sure I could convey the struggles I have with myself to be more, to be better, saner, calmer. I know I'm not alone because many studies discuss the depression mothers face when raising a child with autism. It seems only logical that we would but I still fight it because I hate to be unhappy.
There are days that I crumble, when I can't take it anymore. The rug has been pulled out from under me again and I don't know if I'm strong enough to get back up. I find myself hating myself for my limitations, for my weakness, my inability to be what I have decided all my sons need. I feel pulled between a son with special needs and his neurotypical, twin brothers. They each have their needs, and they all want them mostly met by me.
I get so tired sometimes. My brain won't go any further. I either can't think of another way to improve a behavior that is baffling us, or I feel so beaten down by my son's endless talking, his defiant or aggressive behavior or by cleaning yet another pair of souled underwear. I fantasize about curling up into a ball and hiding in silence away from the chaos. I know that this is depression but, as far as I can tell, it's not clinical. If it were, I wouldn't get out of bed, I wouldn't feed myself and I'd shut down completely. I'm not there because I'm still fighting. I force myself out of bed. I force myself to exercise and eat. I soak up the good times when I can. I just can't sustain that. When I've lost my way and feel thrashed by my life, I literally or figuratively get down on my knees and search for strength. I forgive myself for not being good enough, for hating my life despite all its blessings, for being angry.
Long ago, I realized that my life was going to continue to be challenging - as all lives are. In order to help myself, I came up with a few things that I turn to when I'm feeling negative and depressed. First, I searched for quotes that I find inspirational and I put them all in one document. When I'm feeling like dog doo, I open it up and read it. Sometimes this is enough to help me get back on my feet. Another thing that I have found very helpful is exercising. I go to a local gym and "break the machines" as my husband teases me. I think of all the things that have recently saddened me, scared me, angered me, and I direct that energy toward the machines and weights. Afterward, I retreat to the spa, then the sauna and, occasionally, I take a quick swim. Once I have done this, I often feel purged of negativity and filled with a sense of calm. As I leave the gym, I know that I am returning to the issues from which I left but what has changed is my perspective and that is critical to continuing forth.
Today, my day started out ok and I even had some great moments with all my children. Toward the end though I had a lot of stress and felt discouraged by behaviors I just felt I couldn't handle. I simply felt inadequate and, worse, responsible. I blamed myself for the madness. I need to be honest with myself. I could do better. I do contribute to the madness at times by doing things that are unhelpful; however, I did not cause my son's autism, and I have to be compassionate toward myself just as I am with him. I am a mom of a child with autism and I need to be nice to me too.
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